Jul26

A Lesson in ………………………………

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Funny how life can place mirrors around you every day.  When you least expect it too.  Also amazing how many lessons you can learn every day, when you least expect it.  Lessons on you, the world, how to do life.

I was working catering at a local university this week.  By working I mean donning the old white shirt, black pants, sensible shoes outfit.  Walking from table to table making sure all guests were satisfied and refilling waters and clearing plates.  Very simple, very physically active (which I like) very real.  And on this particular day very REVEALING.

Now let me back up a bit.  This is not what I do for a living.  I am currently a work from home mom (and have been blessed by God, careful choices, sacrifices and an awesome servant husband to do this for 14 years)  I have a 4 year degree and a MBA, I own my own Mary Kay business as well.  I have been blessed in many different ways and am so thankful. So, how did I find myself asking “may I clear this sir?”, “more water ma’am?” – one word – cheerleading.

Yes, I have a daughter in competitive cheer and our incredible gym has a great booster club set up where we can earn money for the gym through working. It is great and has afforded so so many families, including mine, the opportunity to support their girls in their sport. It is a real blessing to us all as cheerleading is, well expensive.  So how does all this tie into lessons learned?  Keep reading

The catering event was for new student orientation for freshman at our local university.  So we had hundreds of freshmen and their parents to serve for a beautiful brunch. All with their “going to university excitement” and their bags full of bookstore goodies.

Lesson One Pride:  It is such a sneaky thing.  Anyone who thinks they have a handle on theirs I think is mistaken and, well prideful.  As I went about my job that day, which I as a whole enjoy (catering and food service management was my career for decades.  Marriott paid me handsomely and I thoroughly enjoyed it. And any of you who know the industry know that “management” means pot washing, waiting on folks, serving, mopping and occasionally giving directions! not glamorous, you either love it or you don’t)- anyway, this time I felt uncomfortable and actually embarrassed as I was working.  On this day, as I looked at the crowd who, in my all-about-me human way I thought were looking at this older woman serving tables thinking “wow glad we are going to college/or glad we are sending you to college so you will not have to do this when you get older”, I wished I had a sign on my back that said “hey, I am only doing this to support our cheer gym.  I have an MBA you know.”  I felt awkward and embarrassed, which is ridiculous and actually embarrassing to admit.  Like I needed for all those people I would never see again and who really were not even seeing me, to think that I was “better” than this, that I really was not server material.  Like I could be better than any other person or that what you do for work defines you; ouch, a frightening and humiliating realization.

Lesson Two – Humility/Shame - So there I was worrying about what everyone was thinking about me (pride) amidst their mac and cheese, chicken, bagels, juice and coffee,  when we got our break. So all us servers, only two of which were from cheer, sat to eat.  I had the privilege to have a great time getting to know two full-time employees who were talking about trials and tribulations and struggle of raising their kids as single parents.  How they booked themselves tons of hours and made all sorts of arrangements to get the good paying catering spots.  Well pride doth go before a fall, and a big one it was for me to be sure.  Here I was wanting to broadcast that I was here due to unusual circumstances only and totally forgot that not only is it a great and needed position, but others were more than happy to be working the event.  Had planned their schedule for this event in fact.  Embarrassment, shame, there are so many words to describe how I felt and all of them spot on, none or them flattering.  Basically it was a “how dare you” moment from God.  How dare you take this opportunity for granted, how dare you think you are too good for any good works, how dare you think you are entitled to anything by virtue of your perceived “status”, how dare you lift yourself above any……….  The person in the mirror appeared to be a rather small person.

Lesson Three – Excellence - through all the emotional, self-serving, and humbling thoughts the one thing that remained constant during my shift, as it does not matter where or what I am doing, was the goal of  excellence.  Ask my kids, we should be known as The Excellence Family, not because we necessarily are excellent, but because it is something we strive for from the time we wake til the time we go to bed.  When I cater, work grilling hot dogs at a ball game (for cheer), coach, make dinner, jog, whatever I am doing, my goal is excellence.  So when I am catering, I service my tables to the very best of my ability.  Honest.   I want my guests satisfied, their needs met, their experience great.  I go above and beyond.  That is the only type of pride I find allowable.  Taking pride in a job well done.

Lesson Four – Gratitude - as the dust settled, the tables got cleared and the look in the mirror did me a world of good, I was able to make room for gratitude.  Gratitude that I can earn some extra money to help the costs for cheer as my husband already works hard for so much else, gratitude that at this point in our lives I do not have to be working a full-time or structured job so I can be a coach and work at the kid’s school, gratitude that there are venues out there who let non profits work to raise money, gratitude that my child is able and willing to participate in activities and sports, gratitude that I am able to work at any job at all, gratitude for a lesson in pride and humility, and praying that lesson is learned, until next time at least.

So be aware as you go through your days, education is never-ending, at least not if you are trying to be the best you can be.  There are always lessons to be learned.  Lessons on: pride, humility, excellence, and gratitude to name a few.  They are not always easy but no one ever said they would be.

Go forth and learn!!!!!!!!!!

Jun14

STRENGTH – the Beauty “Must Have”

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Okay gals here it is -Strength is not for sissys - nor is it only for men!  Strength is not hulky and sweaty!!   Rather……………..

Strength should be on your list of “things I will not leave the house without”, your most important go-to Beauty Tool.

I am not talking about the bulging muscle, sweaty gym strength.  I am referring to that beautiful inner strength, the strength that comes from not only discovering who you are and who you were created to be, but acting upon that discovery.  Now, in order to tap into that strength it will require harder work that hours spent at the gym, but it is worth it.  Worth it and worth constantly staying in “strength shape”, yes you always are working that muscle!

Strength is not arrogance

Strength is not rudeness

Strength is not unfeminine

Strength is not bullying

Strength is not callous and unfeeling

Strength allows you to find yourself and be yourself, even when you do not see yourself in the latest magazines, TV programs or movies.  Strength allows you to say no to even your closest friends when they head down a road that does not match your values.  Strength allows you to forgive those who have wronged you and to give grace no matter how hard or how much you are hurt.  Strength allows you to add value to others as you have a wellspring of love and compassion inside you.  Strength allows you to escape from the boundaries of “popular” and “unpopular”.  Strength allows you to follow your dreams and passions without fear of what others may think or say.

Strength is one of the I ntrisic T reasures that, when it is allowed to surface from within, shows up as TRUE BEAUTY on the outside.

So go ahead, work out that inner strength muscle  – BE STRONG  BE BEAUTIFUL

Jun13

Platitudes require Plans

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“You are so smart, you just intimidate the boys”, “with your beauty boys are just nervous to ask you out”, “boys are just nervous you will turn them down so they do not ask”, “it is hard to find guys who are mature enough to handle you”

I would say that most of us girls/women has heard these or a variation of these statements at some point in their lives.  And as moms I am sure some of us have issued a variant of them as well when our tween or teen daughter is the one without the boyfriend or not asked to the party.  While platitudes sound good, it is kind of like putting on a band-aid where stitches are needed.

Disappointment is hard on all (and perhaps hardest for moms when it involves their kids), but nice words have little if any staying power.  I am sure all us moms (or even supportive girlfriends) have heard one time of another, “you are just saying that because you are my mom/friend.”  The funny thing is, there is truth in that statement.  We see and understand and celebrate the “authentic” parts of those we love.  We see the inside, the heart, soul, character, personality that our dearest ones have – we are not fixated on the exterior or the disguise.  So we notice things like independence, personality, intensity etc.   Things that make them true treasures.

The problem is our world has not learned how to see and appreciate those things.  Our world does not celebrate the “inside” or unique; it celebrates more the conformity to trends, fashion and an unreal expectation of what is acceptable.

That is a formidable opponent, society that is.  Therefore you can see why just a simple platitude and pat on the head will have no staying power against the war of “the world”.  We need to communicate what we see in those we build up – explain it, transfer belief in it.  Remind each other that we are “wonderfully and fearfully made”. made in God’s own image.  I mean really it does not get much better than that.

I remember that I hit my adult height of 5’8″ in about 7th grade.  As all of you know, 7th grade is not usually the great time of “height” for boys.  I never worried about my height, never slouched, always stood up straight.  I also never had that “boyfriend” as many did.  In fact I was never part of a couple at all in high school, yet I do not remember being insecure about who I was or how I looked.  Why?  As I looked back at one of my old photo albums my mom put together for me I saw a book “The Very Tall Little Girl” along with pictures and cartoons all celebrating height.  From the start she was always building me up despite my non-”usual” size.  She did of course often say that my height could put the boys off, and that that would change, but she also gave me the tools of celebrating my height instead of apologizing for it as a social detriment.

I also was rejuvenated (at a mature age, and correspondingly mature size :()) when my kids had to recite “Who I am in Christ”.  If that does not fill one up with confidence and acceptance in themselves, I am not sure what would!  Talk about a blueprint to finding the greatness of the “God given” you.

So go ahead and please please hug on the girls in your life, tell them what treasures they are, but do not stop there - you need to help them see their I ntrinsic T reasure as well.  Give them tools and a PLAN to find their way to their own uniqueness and self-esteem.  It will last much longer than a PLATITUDE band-aid.

May30

I ntrinsic T reasure Girl Connection

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So it begins, the new IT Girl.

I have been blessed over the past year and a half to be in postions of coaching, coaching a Girls on the Run Team,  and substitute teaching and have loved every minute of it.  Like so many of us may have said (I hope) “if I knew then what I know now ………………….”   Then again if you are not growing and changing then you are stagnant.  So I guess finding my calling at such an advanced age ;) is not too bad after all.

While I love ALL that I do – Mary Kay, coaching, teaching, being team mom, Girls on the Run, I have found one element in all that has stood out and that I spend much more time on than any other.  Relationships- encouraging, uplifting relationships.  I have been blessed with great friendships, great clients, great athletes and have been able to connect with many.  More importantly these relationships have born amazing fruit.  I have seen growth, hope, confidence appear where there was none.  So while I could continue on doing what I do and indeed enjoying it,  I had an opportunity presented that changed all.

I have been asked by a new and dear friend to spend time with her teen daughter over the summer.  And shockingly enough the daughter is excited about it.  We are going to do a little mental, spiritual, and physical re-construction.  Once my friend suggested this “job” for my summer, my mind has not stopped racing.  I have spent hours in Lifeway Book store looking at teen and high school Bible Studys, I have reread a bunch of my journalings and blog posts and coaching talks.  In short I have run with it, and loved every bit of the race.  And in all this, I have reshaped IT Girl Connection to be a further outreach of my newly found mission.

I want to reclaim our girls, and my grown up girlfriends too.  I want them all to realize that inside them is I ntrinsic T reasure.  That is how God made us and no person or event can change that.  Too often this treasure if buried deep like a sunken pirate’s chest.  I have seen this far too often in women of all ages, and it breaks my heart.

So, I am off.  Off on a great great Treasure hunt, and this Treasure is priceless.

Good night from the IT Girl

Feb2

Finding the Win in the Loss

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So it was a very interesting weekend for me sports wise.  And those who know me, or are getting to, know I am all about sports – among other things.  I coached a Middle School Girls Basketball game,  an indoor soccer Middle School boys game, and watched my favorite tennis star play for the Australian Open title.  So clearly I was set for a great weekend.

As a coach, of course I coached both my teams to win.  Coaching to win, in my book, is giving my players all the skills I can before the game, directing them during the game to give them the best chance for success.  Coaching to win does not always translate into a win of course as one cannot control everything.  My girls played against a very strong team – the strongest in our league which I knew.  Our team had had lots of new things thrown at them in a short time and they came out strong.  The teams were rarely more than 2 points separated.  At the final buzzer the 2 point gap remained, just not in our favor.

My soccer boys arrived at the game mentally unprepared as one player  had checked rankings and seen we were playing an undefeated team and decided to share the news.  Big mistake. I have told them not to do this and that rankings do not matter  – EVERYONE is beatable at some time.  Anyway, they had mentally beaten themselves so I reminded them what I expected and what attitudes and mindset I would not tolerate on the field.  They started out frantically and were down quickly by 2, through substitutions and then the half, I got finally got them to realize just how “not better” the other team was.  Actually they were not “not good” but they were no better or skilled than we were.  We came out second half and shut them down totally.  We still remained 2 down through the end, but oh what a second half it was!

And then the tennis match.  Nadal (ahhhhh) versus Djokovic.  A 5 hour tennis match that was truly an instant classic.  Simply amazing tennis from two of the best players around.  Riveting, yes I am putting tennis and riveting in the same sentence!!!  So did the awesome Rafa win, to make one of his number one fans happy?  No he did not.

So where is the Win in all this.  It is not simply the watered down lesson of be happy to have played, or “we are all winners”.  It is about finding the Win in the actual loss.

For my JJV basketball girls, they took brand new skills and performed them well, they adapted to a new type of play situation they had never come across before, they rebounded like never before against and overall taller team.  3 wins right there. Also for many, they were most proud and excited about that game than any others including the ones we had won.  They played with PASSION, perhaps the biggest win yet.  You know what is interesting, the fans were more impressed and excited about this game than any other.

For my soccer boys – it is plain and simple.  They WON the battle of their minds!  They realized they were not outmatched and translated that realization into playing.  Once again, we were greeted off the field by ecstatic excited parent/fans.  ”Best game ever” they said.  And trust me, this group is honest and knows soccer – I have spent a season with them already.

As for the tennis match.  Well I would not presume to get in their minds and do not know for pros how they handle evaluating a loss, but I do know that Nadal has battled physical challenges as well as critics forever evaluating his longevity.  5 hours of intense beautiful tennis, does not sound like he is on the way out to me.  Also, I would think that some critics now have more to think about.  But this “Win in the Loss” comes from a fan”s standpoint – so the guy I was pulling for lost, and all the Djokovic fans got bragging rights, but I – the backer of the loser- was still treated to one of the best tennis matches ever – WIN.

While you should never plan for a loss, you need to learn that when you come across one, and you will – find your Win, what you did well, right, what you overcame, in spite of the Loss.

Jan5

It is the RESOLVE not the Resolution.

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I do not make New Year’s resolutions.  Why you ask?  Is it the general defeatist attitudes that accompany the whole New Year’s resolution process?   Is it to stand out from the crowd?  Is it fear of failure to succeed in the resolution?  Actually it is none of the above.

      I simply do not need New Year’s resolutions, nor do I find them effective.  First and foremost as I hear so many do, I do not wish to harken a new year focused on the one or few things I am not happy with about myself (life, fitness, etc) or my situation (finances, time, etc).  I want to start the New Year with hope and excitement and energy, I want to grow and change and to accomplish - a positive focus.  I want to improve where I am, increase my ability to have a positive impact others.  I have learned the importance of being content yet not complacent. I can rejoice in how I am currently blessed, but know I can do and be more.  Now do not get me wrong, I do not have everything “perfect” in my life.  Some of those items I mentioned (fitness, weight, finances) I could certainly improve on.  And I do – ALL YEAR LONG.
      Resolutions sound great and often appear well meaning, but they are mere words or pipe dreams without RESOLVE.  And I am sorry to tell you while New Year’s Resolutions may be a once a year event full of celebration and hoopla, RESOLVE is a monthly, weekly, daily, minute by minute, somewhat mundane, non-glitzy requirement.
According to Webster’s :

Definition of RESOLVE

: fixity of purpose : resoluteness

      No mincing of words here.  “Fixity of purpose”.  No deviation, no lack of focus, no whimsy.  If you have RESOLVE, you do things whether you feel like it or not, whether you want to or not, whether it is easy or not.  RESOLVE is actually quite a helpful tool if you embrace it and use it.  You see, when you have RESOLVE then you are freed from the daily decisions of should I or shouldn’t I when it comes to your ultimate goals or “resolutions”.  There is no shoulda, woulda, coulda, there is only DO.  Kind of like Nike you know!
      The subtle benefit in the daily establishment of RESOLVE is the removal of artificial (and therefore easy) fail dates.  Perhaps my biggest complaint against the New Year’s Resolution is the absoluteness of it.  When embarking on a new endeavor or goal, I never start on the first of a month, the beginning of a week, a New Year’s Day, for me it makes it simply too easy to let the first bump in the road torpedo the whole endeavor.  You start a diet on Monday, and have a bad day and feel you have to pack it in till maybe next Monday, next month, next year – on the first of something.  Great built in excuse don’t you think?
      My RESOLVE regarding goals, achievements, actions does not have to wait for a specific date and as it is a daily activity and focus.  If I fall short one day I have the very next day, or even the next minute to RESOLVE again to get it done – to right the ship.  RESOLVE is constant.  It is what I have and what I do as I CHOOSE to succeed.  You DID know that both resolve and success are CHOICES right?  But that is a topic for another day.
      RESOLVE to make every day your best, to work to give the yourself  and others the wonderful you that you were created to be.  Have the RESOLVE every day, all 365, and you will have your greatest New Year ever.
Oct16

The Freedom of Defeat

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Most all success books and speakers address failure and defeat.  Failure/defeat is a necessary step in the process of success.  You can easily find the stats for how many failures it took to make the light bulb, how many entrepreneurial ideas got defeated before getting supported, how many athletes’ attempts at scoring pale in comparison to their misses.  The idea is that defeat is a great teaching tool as long as you accept it for that and use the lessons failure gives you.  I have just recently found out that defeat, while giving great lessons, also gives you Freedom. I discovered this Freedom Factor during a season coaching JJV Boys Soccer.  JJV is Middle School age players – 6 – 8th grade.  Granted, this is a highly unlikely source for success ideology.

We started our season with no expectations at all. There is no real historical success for this group.  JJV is where you work on fundamentals and, at our small Christian school, it is a team on which pretty much anyone who tries out for it makes it.  There are no playoffs and no stats that get recorded. I approached this team as I would any  other, working on fundamentals and tactics and developing love of the game,  teamwork and sportsmanship, and encouraging a desire and will to win.  I knew some of the kids already and knew we had some real talent and a team that was probably stronger than any recent  team.

Let me be  frank – I have played sports my whole life.  I like to win, as most athletes do.  I worked with this young team challenging them rather than just assuming  they would be in learning mode.  They  loved the challenge and delivered an Undefeated Run to the start of the season.  How exciting! Mid-season we were still undefeated- and for the most part decidedly so.

Things should have  been great.  Funny thing, is the practices were becoming more of a duty and chore rather than the energetic fun they had  been.  We had to have some come-from-behind victories compared to starting and maintaining a lead.  I began to find my line ups and subbing were  more difficult (and this is to be age when you want all to play as much as  possible.)  I was second guessing kid’s  positions and everything just seemed flat.  We were off.  What was going on?

THE WEIGHT  OF SUCCESS

was wearing us down. Funny, there were no expectations going into our season, but once we got on the UNDEFEATED train, no one wanted to get  off.  While the will to win is not a bad thing, compromises were happening.  Tentative play and second guessing were creeping in; shots on goal were not being taken.  It hit me – WE WERE  PLAYING NOT TO LOSE.  I have addressed  this issue before in other blogs explaining that playing “not to lose” pretty much  ensures you will. I think subconsciously, this great team was so concerned about their record; they gave up risk (which we all know is where reward is)  for safety. This was wearing them out.  I know it was wearing me out.

Our most recent game was against a very strong team. One that would require out-of-their-minds  play to win.  It would require  confidence, aggression and basically “controlled abandon” to have a win.  What we gave was ultra conservative and  tentative “not to lose” play. And, shocker, we lost.  We were DEFEATED.

Now, in  truth the kids played well.  They did not  play great, or their best, but they played well.  The record was now broken – no more
“Undefeated”.  There was the obligatory  head hanging for about 15 minutes and then as parents came over to congratulate  their kids on their performances, it started….

“I am kind  of glad we lost; now we do not have to worry about our record.”

“Maybe this  is a good result to get the kids focused and to have them react appropriately.”

“Well we gave this game away, but now we can move forward and not worry.”

“I wish we  had won, but now we HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE season wise.”

There you have it.  They now realized they had NOTHING TO LOSE.  (they never really did  as this age has no conference/state playoff).  The UNDEFEATED bubble had been burst and now as one player said, it could be “business as usual”.  They had  found FREEDOM IN THEIR DEFEAT.  They were  free from the yoke of a record and could take more risks, be experimental, and aggressive in their play.  They could  enjoy the game like they did in the beginning before all the successes added  up. The attitude of the team after our DEFEAT was the best it had been in a while.  The energy was back even in the halls and on the bus. They can play with unrestrained effort knowing that they do not have to worry about  that “fragile” record of success. The DEFEAT  did not teach them to play a new game or get new skills, it was  not a “learning/tweaking” experience – it was a FREEDOM experience.

Take risks, act from a full and convicted heart, and allow yourself to fail –  the prize you will gain is FREEDOM.